I was feeling very angry and very depressed yesterday, then I came upon this story via boingboing. then i realized things for me aren't so bad. This is a great story.
I find that so many people can overcome physical discomforts for their passion. I've become so passionless. I wish I could find that something that I would walk through fire to pursue. like my aunt J. she grew up in poverty in a trailer park, and battled her way through school to become a teacher, eventually earning her masters and gaining accolades as a top teacher in her state. she had breast cancer in her 20s, and the treatment gave her lymphoma. she also got married, raised a wonderful son, traveled, went to Gamecocks games (home and away), and never stopped pushing herself and everyone around her to be better, happier, more alive. She helped my dad when he was sick and was a reliable friend to other folks dealing with cancer. She was inspirational to her last breath, and then some. I need to cultivate my inner flame instead of feeling so burned all the time.
I've really been overly focused on all the things I've lost, or am losing, though honestly -- most of these losses are hopefully temporary. it's ok to be sad a bit, but I need to snap out of it.
UC has finally stabbed its dark claws into my career. Maybe that's why I'm so freaked. I've always been an ambitious over-achiever, and I think that what just went down has clamped a limit on my future prospects in my current career. My job means alot to me. It means alot to be to have a successful career as a woman. I could in theory support myself. And all that is endangered now because of the toll of the last 4 months.
I really believed the Remi would work, but I feel worse in some ways than I did back in May. I'm back on steroids and will probably try out Humira, but should I just jump ahead to surgery? If I do it this year, everything is covered and ready to go - deductibles and out of pocket amounts are met. If I wait and end up having to have surgery next year anyway, is it worth the wasted time trying more medical stuff that doesn't work? Or only works for a little while until I'm back here again? And why can't I still not lose weight? Or why do I still have a shitload of white blood cells and no red ones?
This is a bad combo -- being sick is expensive and then interferes with earning potential. for example, there is a real possibility that my income is about to decrease, exactly when my med bills are about to increase. I already spent like $3K this year on med crap. I wish I could've put that toward my other wishes and dreams instead. fucking colon.
Detective stories
1 week ago
1 comment:
I understand where you're coming from. I was blindsided in 2006 when I had just turned 21 and I found out that I had UC. I was reading a post from The Mercy Seat awhile back and Rich said something that I found intriguing along the lines of "everybody has to find their own path through their illness." Thankfully I am doing much better since my major flare up in '06, but I went through hell for probably a full year and erratically tried everything under the sun except surgery. I want you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I often thought about getting a colostomy bag but I'm thankful right at the moment that I didn't. Just make sure you do your homework on EVERY possibility. It will get better, you just have to find your own way to get there. Keep your spunk!
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