Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I can't stop

Can't stop eating. After a week of excruciating abdominal pain, today I have no pain at all! Figures, my EGD is scheduled for tomorrow. I want to cancel it and save $600, but I know if I do, the pain will return.

This shit is so frustrating. Last Friday, I thought I needed my gallbladder removed and was in terrible pain. I keep racking up bills and tests and getting more questions than answers. I haven't been able to go to them gym for a week. I'm so tired and weak. Please, someone figure out what is wrong with me and fix it.

After midnight, I'm on clear liquids only, then nothing allowed past 10 am. So I'm sure this is a little hungry from not being able to eat this week plus a bit of eating because I'm nervous. I bet I have a hairball or something equally stupid.

Monday, October 7, 2013


Ok, I've had enough. I'm tired of the pills and needles and the tiny cuts on my fingers constantly causing pain and the bumps and scratches all over that never heal. Im tired of the constant pain and new symptoms every week that dont ever go away. All i do is take a bunch of meds that dont work and just cause other problems, while I wait for a new med to get approved that may or may not help and will cost me more thousands of dollars I don't have. The diet changes and exercise help, but I'm so tired of dealing w all this. someone fix me, pls?

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Project UFML

so this has been rolling around in my head the last few weeks, but i'm finally getting it down.  it's not perfect, but at least it's getting done.  i can always go back and edit or make a more formal version later, but i'm getting too far away from my starting position and don't want to forget what that was like.

2013 has been my rebooting year, and it's now called Project UnFuck My Life.  Things are going really really well.  i moved to a place that doesn't suck.  i replaced the jeep with a car that doesn't suck. i've had some recent things happen that do kinda suck, but the point of UFML is to build myself up stronger so I can absorb what the universe throws at me.  sucky stuff is always going to happen to me; i can't let it win.

so on august 21st, i made this decision to commit to myself to get back to a normalish weight.  it was inspired by my job, which announced they would be increasing our health insurance premiums if we didn't hit certain metrics.  of course, my metric is the BMI - gotta get to 31 or less.  I think BMI is bullshit, but at least it was only to get to "overweight" not "normal" -- and being that i'm obese, i should want to get down anyway.  originally, my premiums would go up $2400/yr under this plan, so i called it the "fatty tax"

(in the 3 weeks since, the plan has been revised and of course they can't implement it the way they planned, but since it is a great motivator, i'm still keeping it in my head.  besides, the consequences of not getting my shit together are actually greater than $2400 but somehow easier to ignore/deny than an impending financial hit)

how am i doing this?  going primal.  while it's a struggle because the UC is crazy flaring since July and i can't eat raw veggies, i'm doing it anyway.  apparently, one of the main benefits is IBD improvement.  it's probably what i should be doing anyway.  i felt really good on whole 30.  i just got in my own way with my own laziness.  but this time i'm on pred and have crazy energy and focus.  it's nice to have a positive goal to focus that stuff on instead of being my old self-destructive negative self.

i've been on 30 pred since mid-july, and Dr. Awesome just added more.  so my sugars are whacked.  and i'm still bleeding and in pain.  but, the workout pain is less than the disease pain.  and the work outs give me endorphins.  and the work outs give me little goals to accomplish.  i enter all my stats on daily burn and map my walk.  i have a fb group that keeps me accountable.  i'm treating this project like my honors thesis:  i have a year to get it done - make these changes, keep these routines, and one step at a time it will get done.

so 3 weeks in and i'm down 10 lbs.  i wake up each day early due to pred, and then use that crazy energy to go work out.  i'm streamlining my life and eliminating choices - establishing routines I can maintain and saving the choices for stuff that matters more (like knitting).  i go to the gym at work 3 times a week to take advantage of the free trainer.  the other 4 days i'll do some mix of cardio activities - mainly couch to 5k but that shit is really hard at first.  channel that crazy pred energy into exercise instead of getting all irritable and shitty.

i keep reading that diet accounts for 80% of results, so i'm simplifying that too.  i cut out all grains, all dairy, all booze, all refined crap.  i have to regard that shit like heroin.  i have always been a binge eater, a compulsive overeater.  i can't just have a little - i have to eat until i want to vomit.  that is not healthy.  that is not normal.  that is not something i can fix with moderation.  total avoidance until i am closer to goal.  then maybe i can have a bagel, but if i start getting weird about it, then no.

i cut out all soda.  i replaced it with tea.  with the pred, i don't seem to need as much caffeine anyway, but it's nice to know its there if i have a slump.  i'm a bit nervous because pred makes me feel bipolar.  i get too zany and manic, then i plunge into really dark places.  right now i'm up high, but just a few weeks ago all i could think about was killing myself.  and how worthless i was.  so i decided to only kill the parts of me that suck.  Project UFML.

and when I am not in scary depression place, I came up with a better metaphor.  I am a garden.  there's a lot of weeds and pests and garbage in here.  some i brought in.  some was thrown in by others.  some is just ordinary neglect and decay.  bringing in more garbage, like i've been doing for the last few months, is only making it worse.  it's hard, but i have to start weeding.  and cleaning.  and removing debris.  kicking these things out of my garden one by one so flowers can bloom.  there is a big gaping hole in my center, and filling it with crap just makes it bigger.  I have to remove all the crap and grow other things to make the hole smaller.  it will never be completely gone, but i can focus on making things better in my garden.

i've had a few weeks to work on my garden now.  and like i said, sucky things still happen.  but i can already see improvement.  i already feel stronger and able to protect myself.  so when things get thrown in, they don't get lost in the giant brambles and weeds and piles of rusty things.  i don't have as much old painful crap to dig through to get the new crap out.  by maintaining my garden, i can better react to new crap and prevent it from making a home.  this is just what i have to do now.  this is not a diet or a temporary plan.  that's how i keep ending up with a trainwreck trash heap life.  i need to just get into this routine and stay there.  luckily, i am enjoying this routine much more than the pity party i've been throwing for myself. the more i nurture my garden, the more i will attract good things.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

2013 up date

New year, new start. So far so good.

Attempt to stop taking claritin was a total fail. Singular and dymista were not enough to control my superultramegaallergies. So I bought a bottle of 300 pills of wal-itin today. Since the changes to FSA coverage make it a pain in the ass to use them for OTC meds, I just gave up and paid out of pocket. Besides, they weren't in my plan when I made my FSA budget.

Speaking of FSA funds, I found out buying my meds in 90-day supply from the aetna pharmacy is basically a buy 2 get 1 free deal. For most drugs, instead of $30/ month, it's $60/ quarter. Score! However, someone in the PCP office wrote my novolog for only 30 days, so it cost me $60 through thru the mail order (woulda been $50/month at a retail pharmacy). So I got boned. Aetna won't give me the extra months and also won't refund the $10. Also, the PCP office did not send in my form with my prescriptions, so they didn't have my FSA card info for payment. I have to figure out which scripts got paid already and which ones I owe, because half were shipped before they called me for payment info and half were sent after. Way to make shit complicated for no reason. Definitely need a new doc.

Thought I found a new doc. She's the supervising physician of the nurse that runs the clinic at HQ. the clinic nurse is awesome and her associated practice has great reviews, but they don't take aetna. Dammit.

On the plus side, I start introvale next month. Free birth control, yay! Sucks that nuvaring got left out of the free bc list, I'll miss it. Another fucking pill to remember.

So that brings me to 2 daily injections, 8 pills, and a nasal spray. At least the UC has quieted down. It's so nice not taking all that freaking useless asacol.

I credit the UC quietness to 6mp, trying to have a more positive outlook, and avoidance of fast food. 13 days and I have not had burger king, Wendy's, or mcdonalds. And unfortunately last year, I was being a big bad fattie and practically living on that stuff. Being broke has its
privileges. But I didn't make it a huge declaration of banning fast food, it just sort of worked out. And I've still eaten some crappy food, just not as much and not as often. Looking for sustainable baby steps.

Like cutting down on caffeine. I used to start each day w a bagel and cream cheese and a diet coke. To save $$ and calories, I've switched to oatmeal and the occasional soda. I am still dependent on caffeine, but I wait until I've proven myself incompetent and nearly comatose before I go get a soda.

Saving $$ on food and eating better is going well. I think I want to do another whole 30, but not yet. I'm not ready for that level of deprivation. Thinking March. I want to get on track w the whole food shopping and cooking thing first. The last part of last year, I was so miserable and depressed. I let myself fall apart. Gently, I'm putting myself back together.

January is about forming healthier eating and living habits. Food shopping, take my drugs, doing laundry, getting organized. February, we restart some exercising. March, we tweak the diet more low carby. Get blood glucose under control w food and rely less on insulin. During all of first quarter, keep spending under control. No credit cards. No buying yarn. No fun purchases until my $500 loan to myself is paid back.

Car broke down once, but it was a cheap repair. Minor setback. Not fun losing a vacation day and $200, but nothing I can do about it.

Still waiting on FEMA reimbursement. I faxed over my receipts last month, but when I called on thursday, they had no record of receiving anything. So I sent it again. All told, I'm super lucky. But acknowledging that others have it much worse does not mean I don't deserve some help myself. That unplanned vacation in Rahway cost me thousands of dollars I don't have. Granted, allstate gave me peace of mind in the aftermath by saying they would cover 14 days of expenses; however, it ended up I wasn't actually entitled to coverage after the $$ was spent, and I got nothing but an apology and $200 to cover the food that had rotted in my fridge.

I did manage to pay off one loan by the end of last year. $600 was a big hit all at once, but I'm glad it's over. Divorce will be final later this month. I'm still finding his socks in my laundry.

Lots of things will be coming to an end early this year. Even more things will be beginning. I am hopeful.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Today's walk

Playlist: tiesto club life vol 2

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's a walk-off

Ok, so I fail at paleo and I fail at journaling. But at least you can't fail at rebooting. So here we go again. Luckily, it's summertime, which means salads, which means almost no cooking. My office has a kickin salad bar, so I can always go there instead of eating crap when I don't pack a lunch. My laptop is being a jerk, but my iPad is actually easier to type on than I expected. I'm gonna stop allowing crap to get in my way Down the shore the last few days, I realized I was walking lime 2 miles a day. My legs hurt, but that's because they have been underused. Now that I started up, i can't lose the small amount I've already gained. So here goes, walk at least two miles a day. If nothing else, I'll have stronger legs for ION next month. Granted, that was two miles at a boardwalk sauntering speed, with plenty of stopping to eat crap and spike my slush puppies with rum. Consider last week a warm up. So hopefully these are simple changes that I'll be able to maintain and get to see some results. I'm finally in UC remission enough to go for a walk, so lets do this!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

whole 30 complete

made it! 30 days no cheese, no grains, no booze, no beans, no dairy, no potatoes... just meat, veggies and nuts. i feel pretty good, and i admit i didn't got totally 100%, probably more like 80-90, but still, good for me!

the stats

most dramatic change was in blood glucose. average am wake up dropped from 150 to 90-100. stopped taking insulin because i was getting low readings! post-breakfast was around 120-150. highs never made it over 200. still taking metformin, but 1 daily instead of two. and of course, no insulin! basically, if i can keep this up, my a1c should be about a 6, possibly even lower over time.

with better glucose control comes better energy. more stable energy throughout the day. less moodiness. almost no cravings, which is awesome! first few weeks were the hardest, but i plowed through. and of course, the office is always full of tempting goodies, but i held firm. and ate carrots

for UC, definitely less active, but i think i need more than 30 days to see more changes/healing. so while i won't be doing whole30 anymore, i will still avoid grains/dairy and stay paleo

the good food

found great recipes and cooked like crazy. finally got my kitchen mostly in order and got into a routine. sunday is shopping/cooking day. due to limited options outside my kitchen, i cut back on going out, which is good for my gut and my wallet. didn't feel deprived very often, except at my cousin's bridal shower at an italian restaurant, that had a candy circus theme, and there were twizzlers and other goodies everywhere!

the bad food

i'm hooked on applegate farms salami, and it's not really kosher for whole30. I probably also ate too much bacon. i used almond butter on celery, which has added sugar and is not ok for whole30. but it was good and i made sure not to overindulge. i made a delicious trail mix of sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, almonds and raisins, that was cool for whole30 but killed me due to UC. i cooked with wine twice. i had manhattan clam chowder once and ate the potatoes that were in it. there was probably butter involved in a few of the lunches/dinners out, but i tried to make the best choices without being that crazy lady that makes 100 requests. having done both atkins and scd before, i did not want to be that lady ever again. luckily, whole30 is easier than both of those. paleo is even more forgiving. i also weighed myself, which you are also not supposed to do.

and i forgot, no beans! which means no soy. and i totally had chinese food once which probably used soy and/or cornstarch. ok, so chinese food and japanese food are definitely tough places to go on paleo, especially sushi. i mean, i do like sashimi, but without soy sauce? no sushi? no rolls at all? i think i'll have to make a rare exception to indulge in some sushi or chinese food and really enjoy it, rather than try to healthify it and make it suck.

the weight

yup, apparently for me, it's easier to avoid simple carbs than to avoid the scale. i ended up losing 13 lbs overall, and i do wish it were more. but honestly, i was never really hungry. i ate well and usually my "hunger" was just cravings for crap, emotional eating, or bored eating. not being able to shove something convenient in my face made me think more about why i wanted to eat. if i were truly hungry, i'd eat something on plan. basically, i treated myself like my cats when they get picky about their food: when you get hungry enough, you'll eat it.

i probably eat too many eggs, but i have finally learned how to boil the suckers so they are easy to peel.

day 31

at the end of my 30 days, i actually did not run out to burger king and eat 5 italian chicken sandwiches like I thought i would. but i did find out how easy it was to go back to old bad habits and how quickly i felt like crap again. it started innocently enough, breakfast was the usual hard boiled eggs. then at lunch i had chicken alphabet soup, a pizza burger, and sweet potato fries. girl at work brought in cookies, so I had 2. in the afternoon, i felt snacky, so i had twizzler nibs out of the vending machine. went to the movies, ate twizzlers. dinner was manhattan clam chowder with potatoes, disco fries, another pizza burger (because i couldn't think of what else i wanted), chocolate pudding. i ate until i wanted to puke. ewwwwwwww

the next day I felt kinda icky, but not that bad. got mostly back on track, but felt kinda wacked out all day.

saturday, i woke up nauseous. ate applesauce. hit the road for paintball, stopped in wendy's and had egg/cheese/bacon on a bagel. it was pretty yummy. ate nuts, ham, salami, and apple during the day, went buck wild at night. went to texas roadhouse and they have hot rolls on the table, with cinnamon butter. ate like 3 of those. ordered ribs, half-slab, and a baked sweet potato. with butter, cinnamon and brown sugar. awwww yeah, carb-bender.

woke up feeling like crap today, guts NOT HAPPY. mood is shit. depressed all freaking day. weepy and crying and basically being stupid. eventually motivated myself enough to cook for the week. figured i could have a beer while cooking. all i have is wheat beer. I drank like half before i felt absolutely horrid, like I had been poisoned. ugh, nothing like learning the hard way.

the next 30

so heading into the next chapter, i'll be sticking with paleo and adding back some cheese to see how that goes. i really miss feta. i'm thinking next week making some spinach and feta quiche for breakfasts. cut down on the deli meat stuff. got celery and almond butter for yummy snacks. gonna try to put together a trail mix that doesn't blow up my guts. going to continue experimenting with booze because I love drinking but don't love feeling sick. more meats and veggies. maybe try thai next week, i'm in sort of a mexican rut. made barbacoa last week and this week and have a guac and pico de gallo addicition.

still struggling with fish. i mean, i love fish, but i fail at cooking it. and it stinks up the kitchen something fierce. and i feel bad nuking the leftovers at work. i got trout for this week, but maybe next week i'll just blacken the hell out of some catfish.

le menu

breakfast: hard boiled eggs
elevensies: celery with almond butter or salami/ham/turkey from applegate farms
lunch: burrito bowl with romaine, barbacoa, pico de gallo, salsa verde and guacamole
snack: carrots or nuts

Monday dinner: steelhead trout
Tuesday dinner: leftover trout
wednesday dinner: lamb
thursday dinner: kielbasa
friday dinner: steak