Sunday, September 15, 2013

Project UFML

so this has been rolling around in my head the last few weeks, but i'm finally getting it down.  it's not perfect, but at least it's getting done.  i can always go back and edit or make a more formal version later, but i'm getting too far away from my starting position and don't want to forget what that was like.

2013 has been my rebooting year, and it's now called Project UnFuck My Life.  Things are going really really well.  i moved to a place that doesn't suck.  i replaced the jeep with a car that doesn't suck. i've had some recent things happen that do kinda suck, but the point of UFML is to build myself up stronger so I can absorb what the universe throws at me.  sucky stuff is always going to happen to me; i can't let it win.

so on august 21st, i made this decision to commit to myself to get back to a normalish weight.  it was inspired by my job, which announced they would be increasing our health insurance premiums if we didn't hit certain metrics.  of course, my metric is the BMI - gotta get to 31 or less.  I think BMI is bullshit, but at least it was only to get to "overweight" not "normal" -- and being that i'm obese, i should want to get down anyway.  originally, my premiums would go up $2400/yr under this plan, so i called it the "fatty tax"

(in the 3 weeks since, the plan has been revised and of course they can't implement it the way they planned, but since it is a great motivator, i'm still keeping it in my head.  besides, the consequences of not getting my shit together are actually greater than $2400 but somehow easier to ignore/deny than an impending financial hit)

how am i doing this?  going primal.  while it's a struggle because the UC is crazy flaring since July and i can't eat raw veggies, i'm doing it anyway.  apparently, one of the main benefits is IBD improvement.  it's probably what i should be doing anyway.  i felt really good on whole 30.  i just got in my own way with my own laziness.  but this time i'm on pred and have crazy energy and focus.  it's nice to have a positive goal to focus that stuff on instead of being my old self-destructive negative self.

i've been on 30 pred since mid-july, and Dr. Awesome just added more.  so my sugars are whacked.  and i'm still bleeding and in pain.  but, the workout pain is less than the disease pain.  and the work outs give me endorphins.  and the work outs give me little goals to accomplish.  i enter all my stats on daily burn and map my walk.  i have a fb group that keeps me accountable.  i'm treating this project like my honors thesis:  i have a year to get it done - make these changes, keep these routines, and one step at a time it will get done.

so 3 weeks in and i'm down 10 lbs.  i wake up each day early due to pred, and then use that crazy energy to go work out.  i'm streamlining my life and eliminating choices - establishing routines I can maintain and saving the choices for stuff that matters more (like knitting).  i go to the gym at work 3 times a week to take advantage of the free trainer.  the other 4 days i'll do some mix of cardio activities - mainly couch to 5k but that shit is really hard at first.  channel that crazy pred energy into exercise instead of getting all irritable and shitty.

i keep reading that diet accounts for 80% of results, so i'm simplifying that too.  i cut out all grains, all dairy, all booze, all refined crap.  i have to regard that shit like heroin.  i have always been a binge eater, a compulsive overeater.  i can't just have a little - i have to eat until i want to vomit.  that is not healthy.  that is not normal.  that is not something i can fix with moderation.  total avoidance until i am closer to goal.  then maybe i can have a bagel, but if i start getting weird about it, then no.

i cut out all soda.  i replaced it with tea.  with the pred, i don't seem to need as much caffeine anyway, but it's nice to know its there if i have a slump.  i'm a bit nervous because pred makes me feel bipolar.  i get too zany and manic, then i plunge into really dark places.  right now i'm up high, but just a few weeks ago all i could think about was killing myself.  and how worthless i was.  so i decided to only kill the parts of me that suck.  Project UFML.

and when I am not in scary depression place, I came up with a better metaphor.  I am a garden.  there's a lot of weeds and pests and garbage in here.  some i brought in.  some was thrown in by others.  some is just ordinary neglect and decay.  bringing in more garbage, like i've been doing for the last few months, is only making it worse.  it's hard, but i have to start weeding.  and cleaning.  and removing debris.  kicking these things out of my garden one by one so flowers can bloom.  there is a big gaping hole in my center, and filling it with crap just makes it bigger.  I have to remove all the crap and grow other things to make the hole smaller.  it will never be completely gone, but i can focus on making things better in my garden.

i've had a few weeks to work on my garden now.  and like i said, sucky things still happen.  but i can already see improvement.  i already feel stronger and able to protect myself.  so when things get thrown in, they don't get lost in the giant brambles and weeds and piles of rusty things.  i don't have as much old painful crap to dig through to get the new crap out.  by maintaining my garden, i can better react to new crap and prevent it from making a home.  this is just what i have to do now.  this is not a diet or a temporary plan.  that's how i keep ending up with a trainwreck trash heap life.  i need to just get into this routine and stay there.  luckily, i am enjoying this routine much more than the pity party i've been throwing for myself. the more i nurture my garden, the more i will attract good things.

1 comment:

Tammie said...

OMG. I can identify with so much of what you've's kind of scary. I see that this post is a few years old so I hope that you are doing well and that your garden is flourishing :)