I can't stop

Can't stop eating. After a week of excruciating abdominal pain, today I have no pain at all! Figures, my EGD is scheduled for tomorrow. I want to cancel it and save $600, but I know if I do, the pain will return.

This shit is so frustrating. Last Friday, I thought I needed my gallbladder removed and was in terrible pain. I keep racking up bills and tests and getting more questions than answers. I haven't been able to go to them gym for a week. I'm so tired and weak. Please, someone figure out what is wrong with me and fix it.

After midnight, I'm on clear liquids only, then nothing allowed past 10 am. So I'm sure this is a little hungry from not being able to eat this week plus a bit of eating because I'm nervous. I bet I have a hairball or something equally stupid.

Frustrated

Ok, I've had enough. I'm tired of the pills and needles and the tiny cuts on my fingers constantly causing pain and the bumps and scratches all over that never heal. Im tired of the constant pain and new symptoms every week that dont ever go away. All i do is take a bunch of meds that dont work and just cause other problems, while I wait for a new med to get approved that may or may not help and will cost me more thousands of dollars I don't have. The diet changes and exercise help, but I'm so tired of dealing w all this. someone fix me, pls?

Project UFML

so this has been rolling around in my head the last few weeks, but i'm finally getting it down.  it's not perfect, but at least it's getting done.  i can always go back and edit or make a more formal version later, but i'm getting too far away from my starting position and don't want to forget what that was like.

2013 has been my rebooting year, and it's now called Project UnFuck My Life.  Things are going really really well.  i moved to a place that doesn't suck.  i replaced the jeep with a car that doesn't suck. i've had some recent things happen that do kinda suck, but the point of UFML is to build myself up stronger so I can absorb what the universe throws at me.  sucky stuff is always going to happen to me; i can't let it win.

so on august 21st, i made this decision to commit to myself to get back to a normalish weight.  it was inspired by my job, which announced they would be increasing our health insurance premiums if we didn't hit certain metrics.  of course, my metric is the BMI - gotta get to 31 or less.  I think BMI is bullshit, but at least it was only to get to "overweight" not "normal" -- and being that i'm obese, i should want to get down anyway.  originally, my premiums would go up $2400/yr under this plan, so i called it the "fatty tax"

(in the 3 weeks since, the plan has been revised and of course they can't implement it the way they planned, but since it is a great motivator, i'm still keeping it in my head.  besides, the consequences of not getting my shit together are actually greater than $2400 but somehow easier to ignore/deny than an impending financial hit)

how am i doing this?  going primal.  while it's a struggle because the UC is crazy flaring since July and i can't eat raw veggies, i'm doing it anyway.  apparently, one of the main benefits is IBD improvement.  it's probably what i should be doing anyway.  i felt really good on whole 30.  i just got in my own way with my own laziness.  but this time i'm on pred and have crazy energy and focus.  it's nice to have a positive goal to focus that stuff on instead of being my old self-destructive negative self.

i've been on 30 pred since mid-july, and Dr. Awesome just added more.  so my sugars are whacked.  and i'm still bleeding and in pain.  but, the workout pain is less than the disease pain.  and the work outs give me endorphins.  and the work outs give me little goals to accomplish.  i enter all my stats on daily burn and map my walk.  i have a fb group that keeps me accountable.  i'm treating this project like my honors thesis:  i have a year to get it done - make these changes, keep these routines, and one step at a time it will get done.

so 3 weeks in and i'm down 10 lbs.  i wake up each day early due to pred, and then use that crazy energy to go work out.  i'm streamlining my life and eliminating choices - establishing routines I can maintain and saving the choices for stuff that matters more (like knitting).  i go to the gym at work 3 times a week to take advantage of the free trainer.  the other 4 days i'll do some mix of cardio activities - mainly couch to 5k but that shit is really hard at first.  channel that crazy pred energy into exercise instead of getting all irritable and shitty.

i keep reading that diet accounts for 80% of results, so i'm simplifying that too.  i cut out all grains, all dairy, all booze, all refined crap.  i have to regard that shit like heroin.  i have always been a binge eater, a compulsive overeater.  i can't just have a little - i have to eat until i want to vomit.  that is not healthy.  that is not normal.  that is not something i can fix with moderation.  total avoidance until i am closer to goal.  then maybe i can have a bagel, but if i start getting weird about it, then no.

i cut out all soda.  i replaced it with tea.  with the pred, i don't seem to need as much caffeine anyway, but it's nice to know its there if i have a slump.  i'm a bit nervous because pred makes me feel bipolar.  i get too zany and manic, then i plunge into really dark places.  right now i'm up high, but just a few weeks ago all i could think about was killing myself.  and how worthless i was.  so i decided to only kill the parts of me that suck.  Project UFML.

and when I am not in scary depression place, I came up with a better metaphor.  I am a garden.  there's a lot of weeds and pests and garbage in here.  some i brought in.  some was thrown in by others.  some is just ordinary neglect and decay.  bringing in more garbage, like i've been doing for the last few months, is only making it worse.  it's hard, but i have to start weeding.  and cleaning.  and removing debris.  kicking these things out of my garden one by one so flowers can bloom.  there is a big gaping hole in my center, and filling it with crap just makes it bigger.  I have to remove all the crap and grow other things to make the hole smaller.  it will never be completely gone, but i can focus on making things better in my garden.

i've had a few weeks to work on my garden now.  and like i said, sucky things still happen.  but i can already see improvement.  i already feel stronger and able to protect myself.  so when things get thrown in, they don't get lost in the giant brambles and weeds and piles of rusty things.  i don't have as much old painful crap to dig through to get the new crap out.  by maintaining my garden, i can better react to new crap and prevent it from making a home.  this is just what i have to do now.  this is not a diet or a temporary plan.  that's how i keep ending up with a trainwreck trash heap life.  i need to just get into this routine and stay there.  luckily, i am enjoying this routine much more than the pity party i've been throwing for myself. the more i nurture my garden, the more i will attract good things.

2013 up date

New year, new start. So far so good.

Attempt to stop taking claritin was a total fail. Singular and dymista were not enough to control my superultramegaallergies. So I bought a bottle of 300 pills of wal-itin today. Since the changes to FSA coverage make it a pain in the ass to use them for OTC meds, I just gave up and paid out of pocket. Besides, they weren't in my plan when I made my FSA budget.

Speaking of FSA funds, I found out buying my meds in 90-day supply from the aetna pharmacy is basically a buy 2 get 1 free deal. For most drugs, instead of $30/ month, it's $60/ quarter. Score! However, someone in the PCP office wrote my novolog for only 30 days, so it cost me $60 through thru the mail order (woulda been $50/month at a retail pharmacy). So I got boned. Aetna won't give me the extra months and also won't refund the $10. Also, the PCP office did not send in my form with my prescriptions, so they didn't have my FSA card info for payment. I have to figure out which scripts got paid already and which ones I owe, because half were shipped before they called me for payment info and half were sent after. Way to make shit complicated for no reason. Definitely need a new doc.

Thought I found a new doc. She's the supervising physician of the nurse that runs the clinic at HQ. the clinic nurse is awesome and her associated practice has great reviews, but they don't take aetna. Dammit.

On the plus side, I start introvale next month. Free birth control, yay! Sucks that nuvaring got left out of the free bc list, I'll miss it. Another fucking pill to remember.

So that brings me to 2 daily injections, 8 pills, and a nasal spray. At least the UC has quieted down. It's so nice not taking all that freaking useless asacol.

I credit the UC quietness to 6mp, trying to have a more positive outlook, and avoidance of fast food. 13 days and I have not had burger king, Wendy's, or mcdonalds. And unfortunately last year, I was being a big bad fattie and practically living on that stuff. Being broke has its
privileges. But I didn't make it a huge declaration of banning fast food, it just sort of worked out. And I've still eaten some crappy food, just not as much and not as often. Looking for sustainable baby steps.

Like cutting down on caffeine. I used to start each day w a bagel and cream cheese and a diet coke. To save $$ and calories, I've switched to oatmeal and the occasional soda. I am still dependent on caffeine, but I wait until I've proven myself incompetent and nearly comatose before I go get a soda.

Saving $$ on food and eating better is going well. I think I want to do another whole 30, but not yet. I'm not ready for that level of deprivation. Thinking March. I want to get on track w the whole food shopping and cooking thing first. The last part of last year, I was so miserable and depressed. I let myself fall apart. Gently, I'm putting myself back together.

January is about forming healthier eating and living habits. Food shopping, take my drugs, doing laundry, getting organized. February, we restart some exercising. March, we tweak the diet more low carby. Get blood glucose under control w food and rely less on insulin. During all of first quarter, keep spending under control. No credit cards. No buying yarn. No fun purchases until my $500 loan to myself is paid back.

Car broke down once, but it was a cheap repair. Minor setback. Not fun losing a vacation day and $200, but nothing I can do about it.

Still waiting on FEMA reimbursement. I faxed over my receipts last month, but when I called on thursday, they had no record of receiving anything. So I sent it again. All told, I'm super lucky. But acknowledging that others have it much worse does not mean I don't deserve some help myself. That unplanned vacation in Rahway cost me thousands of dollars I don't have. Granted, allstate gave me peace of mind in the aftermath by saying they would cover 14 days of expenses; however, it ended up I wasn't actually entitled to coverage after the $$ was spent, and I got nothing but an apology and $200 to cover the food that had rotted in my fridge.

I did manage to pay off one loan by the end of last year. $600 was a big hit all at once, but I'm glad it's over. Divorce will be final later this month. I'm still finding his socks in my laundry.

Lots of things will be coming to an end early this year. Even more things will be beginning. I am hopeful.