bunny hill

back on a downward trend. i think i had a few weeks where I felt like a normal human at least part of the day, but i'm heading back down again. constant nausea, stomach pain, gi upset, sickness. waking up in the middle of the night again. hot, feverish, sweaty. pain everywhere. silver lining? total loss of appetite. makes it easier to lose the pred weight. down to 2 mg pred. down to 215 lbs. still fat, but less so. i'm ok with this -- as long as i'm not bleeding and as long as i'm losing weight. i got plenty to burn. chronies as a rule seem to be rather skinny and don't have alot of padding, so malnutrition is a big issue. i got lots of blubber. the only things i can eat are eggs, toast, and soup. and crab, oddly enough. everything else tries to escape my body as quickly as possible.

less depressed this week. less suicidal ideation. less wanting to go to the vet to put myself to sleep (where do you keep that pink stuff you give mastiffs with terminal cancer?). more diarrhea. i guess this is better? still sticking myself with needles twice a day. now have to start sticking myself with cortenema at night. but i still have my guts, which is definitely better.

drug fatigue

ever just want to take fewer drugs just because you're sick of managing so many drugs? I just kinda stopped taking colazal last month, because swallowing 9 pills a day is a pain in the ass.

i was really bad about doing my morning insulin injections, but i put my big girl pants on and just started doing them gain. it's weird, it's 10 units instead of 50, but my skin reacts so much more to it. probably coincidence. i'm running out of room to stick myself. twice a day sucks ass.

i'm happy i'm down to 5 pred, because it means one less drug to keep track of, along with just wanting to get off demon prednisone for all the nice side effects.

i'm stuck with nuvaring because of the whole don't wanna get preggers thing. plus i love saying "no thanks" to the fake cycle i get on my off week. but that one's easy -- i really only deal with it once a month.

i'd like to get off lexapro, in part because i feel it's not really working. i started taking it years ago to treat my "ibs" -- such bullshit. i wonder if i'd be the same or worse without it.

6mp and me will probably be bestest friends forever until it stops working. 3 pills at night aint so bad.

claritin and singulair are also my bffs, because without them i want to peel off my skin with a paring knife and my lungs close up like they are filled with sand.

i take metformin twice a day, but once i get off pred i should be back to once a day, and can stop taking the insulin too. and i'll have to diet and exercise because i won't have the excuse of the prednisone in my way. i want my good a1c back dammit :)

and walgreens doesn't seem to give you any way to delete old/expired prescriptions, so i have like 65 on my records. only 9 or so are active because I keep hiding the ones I don't want to take anymore. that includes test strips and needles for the insulin too. i finally polished off my first box of 100 needles. if i'm a good girl, the next 100 should go even faster, if i remember to actually do my shots.

circles

i can't stay awake without caffeine

caffeine awakens the beast in my guts

sources of caffeine make my stomach feel sick - such as the bubbles in diet coke and the tannins in iced tea. I don't even mess with coffee anymore (the beast LOVES coffee).

i drank copious amounts of iced tea on my customer visit last thursday.

was severely nauseous all night thursday

and all day friday

and all night friday

and all day saturday

gave up and threw up on saturday

felt better for a bit, then I started the D saturday night

and all day sunday

and all night sunday

and stayed away from caffeine

and was a zombie this morning

was so tired it hurt

so i had a diet coke for lunch

i can't live without caffeine