miss you, Dad

Hey Dad,

I wish you were still around. Things really suck, even 7 years after. And you've been on my mind alot lately. I don't have a yard, but I planted tomatoes. I check on them every day and they just started flowering. I totally bought the wrong kind, because i wanted cherry tomatoes and apparently these are going to be normal sized tomatoes, but hey, tomatoes are awesome. I just hope i got a little of your gardening skill in my genes.

We moved mom to her new place and since I can't really do much else to help, I just picked up the tab here and there. Now I see how easy it is for things to add up fast, and how hard it is to say no, and how completely impossible it is to wonder if something was a necessary expense or not without feeling like a total ass. So keeps it between us, ok? :)

Next week I should start my remicade infusions, and it really sucks how health problems can just take over and you still need to get stuff done. You don't want to worry, or make anyone else worry, but you're not sure what to say either. And you don't want to ask for help, because you don't want to impose, but it's hard to get anything done otherwise. You kept all that cancer stuff to yourself, or maybe you told my mom and sis, but you never really told me everything you had to deal with. The medical stuff I go do is stressful, I can only imagine how stressful yours must've been. I was busy at school and I figured you were busy doing your thing too -- I wish I had been smarter than that.

I wish I wasn't a little jerk back then, and had been there for you somehow. We could've played games during your chemo, or I could've hung out with you after. I just didn't want to impose. I was so disappointed that day we went to the AMNH with mom and sis, but you were too sick to go. I was so focused on my own stupid little world, and kinda thought you didn't want me bothering you. It's all so silly now.

If it were nowadays, we'd probably be texting or chatting over facebook. I always thought you'd get better, and there would be a later. I really lost alot. and how weird am I realizing this now?