NIN: Louder than Pain

nothing can stop me now/ cause I don't care anymore
(Piggy)

I'm so glad I pushed myself and went to the show on Tuesday. Part of me thought I should stay home and be safe and be sick. I didn't want to make myself sicker by overdoing things.

I see you left a mark/ Up and down my skin/ I don't know where I end/ And where you begin
(Discipline)

I jump from every rooftop/ So high so far to fall/ I feel a million miles away/ I don't feel any thing at all
(1,000,000)

You train us how to act/ You keep the fear intact/The imminent attack/Everything is right on track
(Letting You)

But it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and one of the greatest days of my life. I took a ton of immodium and had my bag of supplies with me. The staff at the venue were nice and accomodating. I only had one near-incident, and luckily the music moved me out of my sick body and into an amazing space instead.

did you think i wouldn't recognize this compromise./am i just too stupid to realize.
(Sin)

don't like the look of it/ don't like the taste of it/ don't like the smell of it/ I want to watch it come down.
(March of the Pigs)

though it all looks different now,/ i know it's still the same./ everywhere i look you're all i see./ just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.
(Something I can never have)

My voice just echoes off these walls
(Echoplex)

It was a great set, every song was perfect. and there were moments that just summed up exactly how i was feeling and expressing it within a crowd made me feel less isolated and alone. It was very cathartic. It was like a spiritual revival.

the me that you know, he doesn't come around much, that part of me, isn't here anymore.
...
it won't give up, it wants me dead, Goddamn this noise, inside my head.
(The Becoming)

Something inside of me/ Has opened up its eyes/ Why did you put it there?/ Did you not realize
Something inside of me/ It screams the loudest sound/ Sometimes I think I could
I'm gonna burn this whole world down
I never was a part of you
(Burn)

covered in hope and vaseline/ still cannot fix this broken machine/ watching the hole it used to be mine/ just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline/ of the trust i will betray
give it to me i throw it away/ after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
i tried
i gave up
(Gave Up)

On every song, it was like he rips out your soul and shows it to you. and there is clarity. and there is a feeling of control replacing desperation. recognizing the feeling, expressing the feeling, gives control over the feeling, even though you can't get relief.

What if everything around you/ Isn't quite as it seems?/ What if all the world you used to know/ Is an elaborate dream?
(Right Where it Belongs)

all I've undergone/ I will keep on
(The Way Out is Through)

Depression is paralyzing. Chronic pain is demoralizing, you feel helpless and out of control. Anger is a gift. Wresting control is power. Sometimes you need to get angry and get up. You have to work to get yourself happiness, even though it hurts too. I'm realizing that having a purpose makes it easier to endure the pain. Pain without a reason hurts the most.

No need for me to stay/ The last thing left I just threw it away/ I put my faith in God and my trust in you/ Now there's nothing more fucked up I could do
(Wish)

All a part of this great nation/ I got my fist I got my plan I got survivalism
(Survivalism)

Someone take these dreams away/ That point me to another day
(Dead Souls)

Anger, resignation, betrayal, sadness, resolve -- the whole spectrum of emotions just pulled out by the music and poured out into the air. Soaking it in, experiencing it, expressing it, relieving the pressure that builds up from stuffing it deep inside. like a good cry, but a cry of strength. A vow to move forward and change. Take control of suffering and end it. and if I can't end it, fight it until i die.

So naïve/ I keep holding on to what I wanna believe/ I can see/ But I keep holding on and on and on and on
(The Hand that Feeds)

I'd rather die than give you control.
(Head like a Hole)

Full of broken thoughts/ I cannot repair/ Beneath the stains of time/ the feelings disappears/ You are someone else/ I am still right here
...
If I could start again/ a million miles away/ I would keep myself
I would find a way...
(Hurt)