another day, another needle

so the long-acting basal insulin isn't enough, now i get another flexpen for fast-acting insulin with breakfast, woo hoo! gotta say though, injecting insulin is the easiest thing i've had to stick myself with. procrit burns, and is hard to get in the needle because the vial is so tiny. allergy shots are annoying and make you itch. humira pokes and burns a little, and i was always afraid i'd trigger the needle too soon. but these flexpens are awesome. the needle is sooo freaking thin, you practically don't even feel it. i think the only reason i feel anything is that i'm watching myself do it. i bet if hubby did it, i wouldn't even feel it.

i felt like absolute garbage today and went home early. my fingers still feel like they are getting stuck with needles and pounded by hammers. they look gross too. i'm still so freaking nauseous, but i can't take zofran every day. can't wait for my doc visit monday. fake remission is better than active disease, but this pred is killing me. my blood sugars are totally borked, and i am a walking petri dish. i'm going to ask if he thinks i should do another slow steroid taper, or do the iv cyclosporine. i'm a little partial to the slow steroid taper, because i'm afraid if the iv doesn't work, i'm going right to surgery. at least the long and slow method, i'll feel like i gave myself enough time to let everything work. but then again, it's been a long year, and i'm tired. i just don't trust myself to make the right decision in a way, because i feel so stupid all the time. i don't want to do anything rash, and i don't know who to trust. i've been so disappointed by the people i've trusted with important shit. now that i can't trust myself, i don't know what to do anymore.

i really don't want to go back to constant pain and diarrhea. i'm really scared of the after-effects of surgery. even if everything goes well, there is still that period of transition before i'll feel "normal" again. it's so horrible having to deal with this all at work. at least the steroids make me appear normal and keep me out of the ladies room.

but i'm totally ok with sticking myself with needles. i really wish remicade had worked. i'd stick myself with a needle hourly if it meant getting to keep all my bits and pieces operational and not having to poop in a bag.