this can't be right

the only difference between today's symptoms and may's symptoms is that most of the cramping and pain is gone, but the, uh, output is the same. where is all this blood coming from anyway? this can't be right. i bet tomorrow when they hook me up to the iv they'll say, "your bloodwork looks normal; hang in there, tiger!" as usual.

and the worst part (because I'm totally vain) is that i'm back up to 213. 213! so freaking unfair. i feel awful, i'm barfing, i'm in the bathroom all night and most of the day, and somehow i'm gaining weight. fuck you, body. why are you so fucking tired all the time? all we do is sleep! stop waking up in the middle of the night. stop being tired. i had 3 cups of coffee ths morning, and i'm still tired. instead of stabbing pains of 7 and 8, i just have a constant ache. i feel heavy. it's hard to breathe, like i'm wrapped in a blanket of bricks. i'm constantly walking on sand, or trying to walk through neck-deep water. sometimes i just want to drop down and drown.

after the first remicade dose, i felt great. all the burbling and gurgling was gone. it's still mostly gone, but almost everything else is back. i get to worry about humiliating myself on a daily basis again. I run less frequently, but when it comes, I still need to RUN! that fleeting freedom from the first dose is gone.

goddamn i want some freaking twizzlers. all i want is sugar. all i do is prop myself up with carbs, because everything else sounds too nasty to eat. that's probably why i'm fattening up again. i'm too tired to plan healthy food to eat, so i'm stuck with whatever is laying around. luckily, i never have any cash, otherwise i'd be at the vending machine right now, eating twizzlers. i don't really have much left anyway. can't eat raw veggies. can't eat dairy. can't eat nuts/soybeans. can't eat spicy. can't eat lots of fiber. i want a feeding tube so I don't have to think anymore.