I can't stop

Can't stop eating. After a week of excruciating abdominal pain, today I have no pain at all! Figures, my EGD is scheduled for tomorrow. I want to cancel it and save $600, but I know if I do, the pain will return.

This shit is so frustrating. Last Friday, I thought I needed my gallbladder removed and was in terrible pain. I keep racking up bills and tests and getting more questions than answers. I haven't been able to go to them gym for a week. I'm so tired and weak. Please, someone figure out what is wrong with me and fix it.

After midnight, I'm on clear liquids only, then nothing allowed past 10 am. So I'm sure this is a little hungry from not being able to eat this week plus a bit of eating because I'm nervous. I bet I have a hairball or something equally stupid.

Frustrated

Ok, I've had enough. I'm tired of the pills and needles and the tiny cuts on my fingers constantly causing pain and the bumps and scratches all over that never heal. Im tired of the constant pain and new symptoms every week that dont ever go away. All i do is take a bunch of meds that dont work and just cause other problems, while I wait for a new med to get approved that may or may not help and will cost me more thousands of dollars I don't have. The diet changes and exercise help, but I'm so tired of dealing w all this. someone fix me, pls?

Project UFML

so this has been rolling around in my head the last few weeks, but i'm finally getting it down.  it's not perfect, but at least it's getting done.  i can always go back and edit or make a more formal version later, but i'm getting too far away from my starting position and don't want to forget what that was like.

2013 has been my rebooting year, and it's now called Project UnFuck My Life.  Things are going really really well.  i moved to a place that doesn't suck.  i replaced the jeep with a car that doesn't suck. i've had some recent things happen that do kinda suck, but the point of UFML is to build myself up stronger so I can absorb what the universe throws at me.  sucky stuff is always going to happen to me; i can't let it win.

so on august 21st, i made this decision to commit to myself to get back to a normalish weight.  it was inspired by my job, which announced they would be increasing our health insurance premiums if we didn't hit certain metrics.  of course, my metric is the BMI - gotta get to 31 or less.  I think BMI is bullshit, but at least it was only to get to "overweight" not "normal" -- and being that i'm obese, i should want to get down anyway.  originally, my premiums would go up $2400/yr under this plan, so i called it the "fatty tax"

(in the 3 weeks since, the plan has been revised and of course they can't implement it the way they planned, but since it is a great motivator, i'm still keeping it in my head.  besides, the consequences of not getting my shit together are actually greater than $2400 but somehow easier to ignore/deny than an impending financial hit)

how am i doing this?  going primal.  while it's a struggle because the UC is crazy flaring since July and i can't eat raw veggies, i'm doing it anyway.  apparently, one of the main benefits is IBD improvement.  it's probably what i should be doing anyway.  i felt really good on whole 30.  i just got in my own way with my own laziness.  but this time i'm on pred and have crazy energy and focus.  it's nice to have a positive goal to focus that stuff on instead of being my old self-destructive negative self.

i've been on 30 pred since mid-july, and Dr. Awesome just added more.  so my sugars are whacked.  and i'm still bleeding and in pain.  but, the workout pain is less than the disease pain.  and the work outs give me endorphins.  and the work outs give me little goals to accomplish.  i enter all my stats on daily burn and map my walk.  i have a fb group that keeps me accountable.  i'm treating this project like my honors thesis:  i have a year to get it done - make these changes, keep these routines, and one step at a time it will get done.

so 3 weeks in and i'm down 10 lbs.  i wake up each day early due to pred, and then use that crazy energy to go work out.  i'm streamlining my life and eliminating choices - establishing routines I can maintain and saving the choices for stuff that matters more (like knitting).  i go to the gym at work 3 times a week to take advantage of the free trainer.  the other 4 days i'll do some mix of cardio activities - mainly couch to 5k but that shit is really hard at first.  channel that crazy pred energy into exercise instead of getting all irritable and shitty.

i keep reading that diet accounts for 80% of results, so i'm simplifying that too.  i cut out all grains, all dairy, all booze, all refined crap.  i have to regard that shit like heroin.  i have always been a binge eater, a compulsive overeater.  i can't just have a little - i have to eat until i want to vomit.  that is not healthy.  that is not normal.  that is not something i can fix with moderation.  total avoidance until i am closer to goal.  then maybe i can have a bagel, but if i start getting weird about it, then no.

i cut out all soda.  i replaced it with tea.  with the pred, i don't seem to need as much caffeine anyway, but it's nice to know its there if i have a slump.  i'm a bit nervous because pred makes me feel bipolar.  i get too zany and manic, then i plunge into really dark places.  right now i'm up high, but just a few weeks ago all i could think about was killing myself.  and how worthless i was.  so i decided to only kill the parts of me that suck.  Project UFML.

and when I am not in scary depression place, I came up with a better metaphor.  I am a garden.  there's a lot of weeds and pests and garbage in here.  some i brought in.  some was thrown in by others.  some is just ordinary neglect and decay.  bringing in more garbage, like i've been doing for the last few months, is only making it worse.  it's hard, but i have to start weeding.  and cleaning.  and removing debris.  kicking these things out of my garden one by one so flowers can bloom.  there is a big gaping hole in my center, and filling it with crap just makes it bigger.  I have to remove all the crap and grow other things to make the hole smaller.  it will never be completely gone, but i can focus on making things better in my garden.

i've had a few weeks to work on my garden now.  and like i said, sucky things still happen.  but i can already see improvement.  i already feel stronger and able to protect myself.  so when things get thrown in, they don't get lost in the giant brambles and weeds and piles of rusty things.  i don't have as much old painful crap to dig through to get the new crap out.  by maintaining my garden, i can better react to new crap and prevent it from making a home.  this is just what i have to do now.  this is not a diet or a temporary plan.  that's how i keep ending up with a trainwreck trash heap life.  i need to just get into this routine and stay there.  luckily, i am enjoying this routine much more than the pity party i've been throwing for myself. the more i nurture my garden, the more i will attract good things.

2013 up date

New year, new start. So far so good.

Attempt to stop taking claritin was a total fail. Singular and dymista were not enough to control my superultramegaallergies. So I bought a bottle of 300 pills of wal-itin today. Since the changes to FSA coverage make it a pain in the ass to use them for OTC meds, I just gave up and paid out of pocket. Besides, they weren't in my plan when I made my FSA budget.

Speaking of FSA funds, I found out buying my meds in 90-day supply from the aetna pharmacy is basically a buy 2 get 1 free deal. For most drugs, instead of $30/ month, it's $60/ quarter. Score! However, someone in the PCP office wrote my novolog for only 30 days, so it cost me $60 through thru the mail order (woulda been $50/month at a retail pharmacy). So I got boned. Aetna won't give me the extra months and also won't refund the $10. Also, the PCP office did not send in my form with my prescriptions, so they didn't have my FSA card info for payment. I have to figure out which scripts got paid already and which ones I owe, because half were shipped before they called me for payment info and half were sent after. Way to make shit complicated for no reason. Definitely need a new doc.

Thought I found a new doc. She's the supervising physician of the nurse that runs the clinic at HQ. the clinic nurse is awesome and her associated practice has great reviews, but they don't take aetna. Dammit.

On the plus side, I start introvale next month. Free birth control, yay! Sucks that nuvaring got left out of the free bc list, I'll miss it. Another fucking pill to remember.

So that brings me to 2 daily injections, 8 pills, and a nasal spray. At least the UC has quieted down. It's so nice not taking all that freaking useless asacol.

I credit the UC quietness to 6mp, trying to have a more positive outlook, and avoidance of fast food. 13 days and I have not had burger king, Wendy's, or mcdonalds. And unfortunately last year, I was being a big bad fattie and practically living on that stuff. Being broke has its
privileges. But I didn't make it a huge declaration of banning fast food, it just sort of worked out. And I've still eaten some crappy food, just not as much and not as often. Looking for sustainable baby steps.

Like cutting down on caffeine. I used to start each day w a bagel and cream cheese and a diet coke. To save $$ and calories, I've switched to oatmeal and the occasional soda. I am still dependent on caffeine, but I wait until I've proven myself incompetent and nearly comatose before I go get a soda.

Saving $$ on food and eating better is going well. I think I want to do another whole 30, but not yet. I'm not ready for that level of deprivation. Thinking March. I want to get on track w the whole food shopping and cooking thing first. The last part of last year, I was so miserable and depressed. I let myself fall apart. Gently, I'm putting myself back together.

January is about forming healthier eating and living habits. Food shopping, take my drugs, doing laundry, getting organized. February, we restart some exercising. March, we tweak the diet more low carby. Get blood glucose under control w food and rely less on insulin. During all of first quarter, keep spending under control. No credit cards. No buying yarn. No fun purchases until my $500 loan to myself is paid back.

Car broke down once, but it was a cheap repair. Minor setback. Not fun losing a vacation day and $200, but nothing I can do about it.

Still waiting on FEMA reimbursement. I faxed over my receipts last month, but when I called on thursday, they had no record of receiving anything. So I sent it again. All told, I'm super lucky. But acknowledging that others have it much worse does not mean I don't deserve some help myself. That unplanned vacation in Rahway cost me thousands of dollars I don't have. Granted, allstate gave me peace of mind in the aftermath by saying they would cover 14 days of expenses; however, it ended up I wasn't actually entitled to coverage after the $$ was spent, and I got nothing but an apology and $200 to cover the food that had rotted in my fridge.

I did manage to pay off one loan by the end of last year. $600 was a big hit all at once, but I'm glad it's over. Divorce will be final later this month. I'm still finding his socks in my laundry.

Lots of things will be coming to an end early this year. Even more things will be beginning. I am hopeful.

Today's walk

Playlist: tiesto club life vol 2



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's a walk-off

Ok, so I fail at paleo and I fail at journaling. But at least you can't fail at rebooting. So here we go again. Luckily, it's summertime, which means salads, which means almost no cooking. My office has a kickin salad bar, so I can always go there instead of eating crap when I don't pack a lunch. My laptop is being a jerk, but my iPad is actually easier to type on than I expected. I'm gonna stop allowing crap to get in my way Down the shore the last few days, I realized I was walking lime 2 miles a day. My legs hurt, but that's because they have been underused. Now that I started up, i can't lose the small amount I've already gained. So here goes, walk at least two miles a day. If nothing else, I'll have stronger legs for ION next month. Granted, that was two miles at a boardwalk sauntering speed, with plenty of stopping to eat crap and spike my slush puppies with rum. Consider last week a warm up. So hopefully these are simple changes that I'll be able to maintain and get to see some results. I'm finally in UC remission enough to go for a walk, so lets do this!

whole 30 complete

made it! 30 days no cheese, no grains, no booze, no beans, no dairy, no potatoes... just meat, veggies and nuts. i feel pretty good, and i admit i didn't got totally 100%, probably more like 80-90, but still, good for me!

the stats

most dramatic change was in blood glucose. average am wake up dropped from 150 to 90-100. stopped taking insulin because i was getting low readings! post-breakfast was around 120-150. highs never made it over 200. still taking metformin, but 1 daily instead of two. and of course, no insulin! basically, if i can keep this up, my a1c should be about a 6, possibly even lower over time.

with better glucose control comes better energy. more stable energy throughout the day. less moodiness. almost no cravings, which is awesome! first few weeks were the hardest, but i plowed through. and of course, the office is always full of tempting goodies, but i held firm. and ate carrots

for UC, definitely less active, but i think i need more than 30 days to see more changes/healing. so while i won't be doing whole30 anymore, i will still avoid grains/dairy and stay paleo

the good food

found great recipes and cooked like crazy. finally got my kitchen mostly in order and got into a routine. sunday is shopping/cooking day. due to limited options outside my kitchen, i cut back on going out, which is good for my gut and my wallet. didn't feel deprived very often, except at my cousin's bridal shower at an italian restaurant, that had a candy circus theme, and there were twizzlers and other goodies everywhere!

the bad food

i'm hooked on applegate farms salami, and it's not really kosher for whole30. I probably also ate too much bacon. i used almond butter on celery, which has added sugar and is not ok for whole30. but it was good and i made sure not to overindulge. i made a delicious trail mix of sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, almonds and raisins, that was cool for whole30 but killed me due to UC. i cooked with wine twice. i had manhattan clam chowder once and ate the potatoes that were in it. there was probably butter involved in a few of the lunches/dinners out, but i tried to make the best choices without being that crazy lady that makes 100 requests. having done both atkins and scd before, i did not want to be that lady ever again. luckily, whole30 is easier than both of those. paleo is even more forgiving. i also weighed myself, which you are also not supposed to do.

and i forgot, no beans! which means no soy. and i totally had chinese food once which probably used soy and/or cornstarch. ok, so chinese food and japanese food are definitely tough places to go on paleo, especially sushi. i mean, i do like sashimi, but without soy sauce? no sushi? no rolls at all? i think i'll have to make a rare exception to indulge in some sushi or chinese food and really enjoy it, rather than try to healthify it and make it suck.

the weight

yup, apparently for me, it's easier to avoid simple carbs than to avoid the scale. i ended up losing 13 lbs overall, and i do wish it were more. but honestly, i was never really hungry. i ate well and usually my "hunger" was just cravings for crap, emotional eating, or bored eating. not being able to shove something convenient in my face made me think more about why i wanted to eat. if i were truly hungry, i'd eat something on plan. basically, i treated myself like my cats when they get picky about their food: when you get hungry enough, you'll eat it.

i probably eat too many eggs, but i have finally learned how to boil the suckers so they are easy to peel.

day 31

at the end of my 30 days, i actually did not run out to burger king and eat 5 italian chicken sandwiches like I thought i would. but i did find out how easy it was to go back to old bad habits and how quickly i felt like crap again. it started innocently enough, breakfast was the usual hard boiled eggs. then at lunch i had chicken alphabet soup, a pizza burger, and sweet potato fries. girl at work brought in cookies, so I had 2. in the afternoon, i felt snacky, so i had twizzler nibs out of the vending machine. went to the movies, ate twizzlers. dinner was manhattan clam chowder with potatoes, disco fries, another pizza burger (because i couldn't think of what else i wanted), chocolate pudding. i ate until i wanted to puke. ewwwwwwww

the next day I felt kinda icky, but not that bad. got mostly back on track, but felt kinda wacked out all day.

saturday, i woke up nauseous. ate applesauce. hit the road for paintball, stopped in wendy's and had egg/cheese/bacon on a bagel. it was pretty yummy. ate nuts, ham, salami, and apple during the day, went buck wild at night. went to texas roadhouse and they have hot rolls on the table, with cinnamon butter. ate like 3 of those. ordered ribs, half-slab, and a baked sweet potato. with butter, cinnamon and brown sugar. awwww yeah, carb-bender.

woke up feeling like crap today, guts NOT HAPPY. mood is shit. depressed all freaking day. weepy and crying and basically being stupid. eventually motivated myself enough to cook for the week. figured i could have a beer while cooking. all i have is wheat beer. I drank like half before i felt absolutely horrid, like I had been poisoned. ugh, nothing like learning the hard way.

the next 30

so heading into the next chapter, i'll be sticking with paleo and adding back some cheese to see how that goes. i really miss feta. i'm thinking next week making some spinach and feta quiche for breakfasts. cut down on the deli meat stuff. got celery and almond butter for yummy snacks. gonna try to put together a trail mix that doesn't blow up my guts. going to continue experimenting with booze because I love drinking but don't love feeling sick. more meats and veggies. maybe try thai next week, i'm in sort of a mexican rut. made barbacoa last week and this week and have a guac and pico de gallo addicition.

still struggling with fish. i mean, i love fish, but i fail at cooking it. and it stinks up the kitchen something fierce. and i feel bad nuking the leftovers at work. i got trout for this week, but maybe next week i'll just blacken the hell out of some catfish.

le menu

breakfast: hard boiled eggs
elevensies: celery with almond butter or salami/ham/turkey from applegate farms
lunch: burrito bowl with romaine, barbacoa, pico de gallo, salsa verde and guacamole
snack: carrots or nuts

Monday dinner: steelhead trout
Tuesday dinner: leftover trout
wednesday dinner: lamb
thursday dinner: kielbasa
friday dinner: steak

resurrection

for an english major, i am seriously terrible at writing on a regular basis. but i should've been writing all this stuff down lately. might as well start now.

well, 150 6mp got me feeling more like a normal human for awhile. then in august 2011 i started flaring again, and the steroids didn't fix it. then my wbc bottomed out, and i had to stop 6mp completely. and a bunch of personal life-rearrangment happened.

now i live in a new apt with my cats, and with my sister and her insane cats.

after emotionally eating my way through the holidays and the start of 2012, i started doing the whole 30 challenge to reboot myself and try eating paleo-style. no grains, no dairy, no beans, no alcohol. i'm not being as strict as i probably should, but it's much better than the sunny doodles and mcdonalds diet i had been following.

anyway, 3 weeks in and my glucose levels are good enough that taking insulin puts me too low. so that's pretty awesome. not feeling bloated and gross, and spending last time in the bathroom. still having some truly awful days, but i'm hoping this way of eating will help the UC. one of the major proponents put himself in remission through this way of eating. in any case, it can't hurt. and it's easier than SCD. damn, what a pain in the ass that was

saw dr awesome on 2/13 - he let me go back on 6mp, 75 mg/day. not talking surgery, which is awesome. trying 5-asa again (lialda - 3 big horse pills a day) and possibly cimzia if i'm not getting anywhere.

eczema is acting up like crazy, wish i could figure out why. not sure if it's from the diet change, drug change, or weather changes. hope it clears up before my cousin's wedding - my dress is strapless

so i'm in the process of unfucking my life one area at a time. first, eating better. next, writing more. soon, regular exercise. i'm ridiculously weak. i can barely keep up when my friends fast walk. plus i need to be able to lift my 500 lb cast iron pan with 1 hand. i almost dropped my crockpot full of delicious chicken soup last week. and eventually, unfucking my habitat. everything is still in boxes. it looks like hoarders up in here

Hello raincloud

The all-consuming sadness has returned. That feeling that I'll never be happy again. How can I still feel like this when spring is here and meds are keeping me in remission? Am I somehow immune to joy?

tired

i'm so tired, i just want to cry. my muscles ache. i went home after work last night and passed out until this morning. and my husband seemed so annoyed at me and made me feel guilty for sleeping so much. great, i'm disappointed in myself and apparently aggravating him too. great way to start the day.

week 1 review

so far so good. staying away from dangerous temptations like thai food, indian food, and chipotle. sometimes, i think i just want guac, but I don't think I can go there and walk out without a burrito... mmmm barbacoa goodness, i miss you!

still zombied out most mornings. totally brain foggy and everything aches. but i'm so much better than i was before. had a bunch of caffeine and felt like myself again yesterday, but now today my tummy is unhappy. i'll save caffeine for special occasions :)

but i'm at work, with my heating pad on my lap, happily enjoying being rather normal. i'm pretty proud of myself for maintaining full time employment during this whole travail. the last solid week off I've had was my week in the hospital in May 2009. nice to see my bull-headed stubbornness as an asset instead of a flaw for once. but i am really looking forward to taking an actual vacation next year :)

remission

yup. off steroids. off enemas. off 5-asa. just 6mp now.

i slept allllll day so i decided today would be day 1. yesterday i had a huge headache that started over my right eye, so i took tylenol, then percocet when that didn't work. woke up later with a headache all around my head like a crown of thorns. passed back out. finally woke up at 4:30 feeling ok. flopped around the house having bad memories and sad thoughts. then picked up a new knitting project that is going along ok. it's gonna get felted, so it's a great project to make mistakes and say eff it and leave the mistakes in place. i needed a mindless project for today.

so i'm gonna keep taking it easy, get back into being a good diabetic and getting my blood sugars back in line. gonna enjoy not taking pred anymore. i already feel less crazy and less bloated. i dropped 20 lbs. 15 to go to get under 200, then 10 more to get back to pre-pred weight, then 20 after that to get to about as close to my goal weight as i think i'll be able to get.

gonna keep not overdoing the caffeine and booze. no need to overwork my liver and pancreas. i think i had food poisoning or something last weekend. i barfed for 3 days straight. everything i ate came right back up, i called it trampoline tummy. my stomach and i finally agreed on eating some watermelon, but when i went to lay down, the trampoline kicked in and i projectile vomited all over our hotel room bathroom. so much for a romantic weekend away. maybe next weekend i'll make up for it. it's my 5 year anniversary, and if all goes well, it'll be my 1 week remission anniversary too.

yay me! :)

blarg

i like the not eating and losing weight aspect of this thing. i've always struggled with eating too much. i've never experienced the opposite. is this how skinny people normally feel? no wonder they can't put it away like i can. it's pretty bitchin... i'm down to 215, though most of that is still pred weight and should have been easy to lose. 25 to go until i'm back at pre-steroid weight, then another 20 to get to 2005 hottie weight. I don't think I can get much under 170 without involving amputations or giving up butter. and life without butter is not living.

the annoying thing though is i am such a picky eater now. and i'm getting afraid to eat yummy things. last night i ordered indian food from a place I ate at before without problems. even their mild food is spicy to me now. i got this awesome chicken gassi -- like a coconut/tamarind curry sauce... omg so good! and after a few bites was like, i probably shouldn't eat this anymore. so i moved on to the goat biryani. also incredibly good! but again, too spicy for my paranoia. the lentils and tandoori chicken that hubs got looked good, but were spicier than what i had already eaten (according to his palate, which tolerates much hotter stuff than mine!). so i didn't want to eat those either. so i had some naan and decided i wasn't hungry anymore.

and was sick all night again anyway.

sigh. so today, i had a muffin around noon, because i was kinda getting hungry. now it's 5, and i have heartburn and nausea. how can i get nauseous when there should be the perfect amount of foodstuff in me?! not too much, not too little, a fricking blueberry muffin causes heartburn? gah.

i have no idea what to eat tonight. i'll probably just get soup somewhere. i've been day dreaming about making a big ol pot of my chicken/veggie soup, even though it is 90 bazillion degrees outside. my mom put the idea in my head, she loves my soup. i would love like a vacation where all i do is sleep in my house and make home-cooked meals. i love cooking, but just don't have enough energy to work and cook. can i take maternity leave and baby myself for a few weeks?

bunny hill

back on a downward trend. i think i had a few weeks where I felt like a normal human at least part of the day, but i'm heading back down again. constant nausea, stomach pain, gi upset, sickness. waking up in the middle of the night again. hot, feverish, sweaty. pain everywhere. silver lining? total loss of appetite. makes it easier to lose the pred weight. down to 2 mg pred. down to 215 lbs. still fat, but less so. i'm ok with this -- as long as i'm not bleeding and as long as i'm losing weight. i got plenty to burn. chronies as a rule seem to be rather skinny and don't have alot of padding, so malnutrition is a big issue. i got lots of blubber. the only things i can eat are eggs, toast, and soup. and crab, oddly enough. everything else tries to escape my body as quickly as possible.

less depressed this week. less suicidal ideation. less wanting to go to the vet to put myself to sleep (where do you keep that pink stuff you give mastiffs with terminal cancer?). more diarrhea. i guess this is better? still sticking myself with needles twice a day. now have to start sticking myself with cortenema at night. but i still have my guts, which is definitely better.

drug fatigue

ever just want to take fewer drugs just because you're sick of managing so many drugs? I just kinda stopped taking colazal last month, because swallowing 9 pills a day is a pain in the ass.

i was really bad about doing my morning insulin injections, but i put my big girl pants on and just started doing them gain. it's weird, it's 10 units instead of 50, but my skin reacts so much more to it. probably coincidence. i'm running out of room to stick myself. twice a day sucks ass.

i'm happy i'm down to 5 pred, because it means one less drug to keep track of, along with just wanting to get off demon prednisone for all the nice side effects.

i'm stuck with nuvaring because of the whole don't wanna get preggers thing. plus i love saying "no thanks" to the fake cycle i get on my off week. but that one's easy -- i really only deal with it once a month.

i'd like to get off lexapro, in part because i feel it's not really working. i started taking it years ago to treat my "ibs" -- such bullshit. i wonder if i'd be the same or worse without it.

6mp and me will probably be bestest friends forever until it stops working. 3 pills at night aint so bad.

claritin and singulair are also my bffs, because without them i want to peel off my skin with a paring knife and my lungs close up like they are filled with sand.

i take metformin twice a day, but once i get off pred i should be back to once a day, and can stop taking the insulin too. and i'll have to diet and exercise because i won't have the excuse of the prednisone in my way. i want my good a1c back dammit :)

and walgreens doesn't seem to give you any way to delete old/expired prescriptions, so i have like 65 on my records. only 9 or so are active because I keep hiding the ones I don't want to take anymore. that includes test strips and needles for the insulin too. i finally polished off my first box of 100 needles. if i'm a good girl, the next 100 should go even faster, if i remember to actually do my shots.

circles

i can't stay awake without caffeine

caffeine awakens the beast in my guts

sources of caffeine make my stomach feel sick - such as the bubbles in diet coke and the tannins in iced tea. I don't even mess with coffee anymore (the beast LOVES coffee).

i drank copious amounts of iced tea on my customer visit last thursday.

was severely nauseous all night thursday

and all day friday

and all night friday

and all day saturday

gave up and threw up on saturday

felt better for a bit, then I started the D saturday night

and all day sunday

and all night sunday

and stayed away from caffeine

and was a zombie this morning

was so tired it hurt

so i had a diet coke for lunch

i can't live without caffeine

good news!

dare i say it? the persistent nausea has decided to leave! hooray! i mean, i still have my seabands in case it comes back, but i realized yesterday that i hadn't worn them for a few days. awesome!

i'm down to 12.5 mg pred and feeling pretty good about that. i'm still fatigued and still go from 0 to bitch in 6.5 seconds, but other than that, things are looking up. i can deal with the abdominal pain and weird joint pains I've been having. there's just something about nausea that makes it harder to deal with than pain. probably because when you're in pain, you're not in danger of spewing pain all around you, but nausea definitely involves the threat of spewing.

while i'm being gross, i stepped in cat puke again last night. little cat barfed, big cat ate it. cats are so disgusting.

blerg

today was just rotten. it started at midnight, when i got home, and could not sleep.

i rolled around for 5-7 hours, and eventually passed out in time to hear my alarm go off.

then i stepped in cat puke

then i decided to test my fingertip with my lancet instead of my arm, but I didn't retract the thinger from level 4 (deepest poke) to level 1 (fingertip-appropriate poke). mondayfriday that hurt

then i found out that my bearded dragon was dead :(

then i got a txt from hubs, who slipped and fell and broke his arm, in Texas :( :(

and i was already late for work, so I wrapped up my dearly beloved beardie, put her in the fridge.

got to the office, made a dr appointment to fix the husband and found a pet cemetary that charged reasonable rates for a reptile cremation.

later, i'll email this awesome pottery artist and ask if she can make an urn for my Zoey.

then over the weekend i'll have to get her to the pet cemetary. maybe after the long weekend. until then, i'll have to keep her in the freezer i guess.

Man, looks like July isn't going to be any better than June or May. crapadoodledoo

alternatives

so i was taking my 10 night time pills and had a conversation with myself:

hey, isn't it awesome that there is all this modern technology and medicine we can take?

not really, sometimes i feel like i'm just being tortured.

hey now, it's not that bad. 50 years ago, we woulda had surgery by now, or just died.

true, but we're probably going to end up having surgery anyway after three years of being experimented on.

well, isn't that better than dying?

i guess.

* * *

then i went to get more insulin out of the fridge. at least it's easy to use, the needles are tiny, and it doesn't feel like anything when you inject it. procrit burns like a mother and filling the syringe from the vial was such a pain in the ass.

life is scarier than death. but there's nothing i can't handle if i'd just stop whining about it. as long as i'm not being flex-sigged, nothing's really that bad after all

no longer seasick on land!

i was totally skeptical, but i got these seaband wristbands because i was freaking desperate, and they totally work! yeah, they are not the greatest fashion statement, but i've been wearing them all day and haven't wanted to ralph everywhere. a bit hot for wearing outside (90 degrees at 9 am!) but perfect for cubefarm climate.

now if i could just find the pressure point that makes you not fall asleep at your desk. maybe i should wrap one of these around my head and try to find it.